This Workout Was Brought To You By Maidenform

My daughter is getting married in two weeks. Since I had the day to myself and was needed by no one anywhere, I went out to do some mother of the bride stuff. I’d already bought my MOTB dress a couple of months ago. One of my goals was to lose about 10 pounds before the wedding, as I thought the dress would look better with a little less of me in it. Ten pounds in two months didn’t seem too lofty a goal. However, I managed to gain 5 instead.

Since there will actually be a little more of me in my dress than planned, one of my errands today was to buy shapewear. In my mother’s day, they had girdles. In my great-grandmother’s day, there were corsets. No matter what you call it, shapewear is something women wear under their clothes to make us appear more like we used to without help. We should call it reversewear.

maidenform, ubdergarments
I don’t want to embrace them, I want to hide them!

First of all, the fabric that makes shapewear do what it does is an angry bitch. Lycra seems to have a serious grudge against me even though we barely know each other. She was determined to fight me the whole way. If I was going to get this tighter-than-skin suit on, I was going to have to kill it first.

I started with what I consider to be my size. Then, I read the label and moved up to what Maidenform considers to be my size. These are one piece body shapers, by the way, much like a one-piece swimsuit or a dance leotard. I had the choice to step in or pull it over my head. I chose the pullover option. Once the angry, constrictive fabric tricked me into putting my arms in and pulling it over my head, it refused to move any further. At this point, it’s all wadded around my neck with my arms straight up in the air. I need my hands to pull down this inflexible fabric, but they’re stuck in the air at the end of my arms!

Somehow, I was able to force my arms down and started pulling this torture device down my body, one millimeter at a time. Once it covered everything it was supposed to cover, I took a look in the mirror. I was red all over from stuffing myself like a sausage into a casing. I was exhausted from the workout and starting to sweat. But that’s not the worst of it. Despite being only 5’2″, I have an oddly long torso. The body shaper has a built-in bra but it is so short on my long body that the bra is at my waist. UGH! That’s not gonna hold anything up!

I apologize for not having pictures to go along with this, but… NO! There will be no visuals of this acrobatic contortion act or the waist lifting bra.

Unfortunately, I went up one more size. A size that I have never worn, Ever. Last year, I lost SEVENTY pounds. At my highest weight, I didn’t wear the size that I bought today. At my previous weight, I imagine that my size in shapewear would have resembled the marquis at a dirty book store.
xxx
Shopping for shapewear is not for sissies. It’s also not for those with low self-esteem or anyone who hangs her self worth on a clothing tag. If you’re going to visit the mean streets of the lingerie department, arm yourself with double-barrelled self confidence and a side arm of badass. Like I said, Lycra is a bitch.

11 thoughts on “This Workout Was Brought To You By Maidenform

  1. Beau

    A friend of mine that was into body building told me that before a show he only ate dried oatmeal and eggs for a week. He'd drop about eight pounds, probably mostly water weight. Also a good way to have a heart attack.
    I'm sure you'll look as pretty as ever. Forget the girdle!

    Reply
  2. Midlife Pyjamas

    I'm new to blogging and am just starting to discover midlife blogs. Ones that tell me how to exist in midlife – not good; ones that make me smile with recognition – marvellous!Your post made me laugh out loud! I once went shopping with a friend (thank god) so when I got stuck in my shapewear she was on hand to pull me out of it! Hope the wedding is fab and I'm sure you'll look great.

    Reply
  3. D.E.B.

    Funny you should say that. I was thinking that I wish I had someone with me. Yet, at the same time, I was glad no one saw me.
    Is Midlife Pyjamas the name of your blog? I'd like to read it.

    Reply

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